Grace Upon Grace

The first word that comes to mind to describe this year is grief. When people compare grief to an ocean, it is most definitely that. And there are days, when the world is going on without you and you literally can’t tread the water and the waves take you under. Some days are simply a numb existence, just going through the motions. Others it hurts less.

No doubt that among some great losses there have been huge blessings in our family, with our children, and our personal accomplishments, but the gut wrenching loss and grief in our life and the lives of the ones we love, is hard to swallow. Some loss was expected and "in order" and some was just a huge blow to our security and life. It’s been hard. It’s been really really hard. And honestly every time I think I’m regaining my footing...the ground crumbles again. 

This year, I’ve listened to my husband in disbelief as he shared with me the news of my brothers passing and held my mother as she wept over the loss of her only son at 34 years old. I have stroked the hand and kissed the forehead of my grandmother for the last time. And I have stood with my sister at the foot of her father’s bed as she sobbed at his sudden passing, and at that very moment, we both held each other, as a lifetime of memories flooded our head and heart all at once. 

I don’t know what’s next. Everyday we get up and try to make sense of it all, but we are tired. Tired. Exhausted. Emotionally spent. But as a lovely quote I heard just recently said, "the ink is invisible if you give it, give it enough time...."

So, God willing, we will be able to give this last 6 months time. Time to settle. Time to teach us what it is we are to learn from this very hard season. Grief, a very familiar concept to us the last 6 months. I wasn’t near ready for the second or the third loss, I’m still trying to wade through the ocean of grief brought on by losing my brother. I’m still trying to think of him and not get nauseated. I’m trying to get to a place where I can think of him and smile. I’m pretty sure as time passes, it will all have a place in our story, a very meaningful place....and until then, grace upon grace is my motto. 

We are sad this Christmas. It’s going to be a hard one. And I think I can speak for all of us saying we are greatly looking forward to a new year, a clean slate, a safe place. And I pray, this coming year is so much less scary this past and that God will mend the broken hearts and help us gather the pieces and keep moving in the right direction. Grace upon grace...