My Amazing 7 Year Old

He's a constant nonsense noise maker, dirt from head to toe, strong willed, hot tempered, love filled, generous, wise beyond his years. He can have conversations, like deep, grown up conversation. His faith is breathtaking. He can also talk back until he's blue in the face. He's my oldest. Leader of the pack. He teaches me every single day. Happy 7th birthday to the little boy who made me a mom. The boy who taught me how to love something more than life itself. From the very moment we saw his beautiful face, our lives changed. He's amazing! He's hard headed and can be difficult, but oh my what a future he's running towards. He says he wants to be a surgeon. And as he described what it would feel like to use all the tools and prosthesis and how cool artificial hearts are, I could totally see him doing that! He also wants to be a pilot on the side. ;) Maybe, maybe not, but it's awesome to dream with him. He's a lot of boy and it's wonderful. I am so blessed to keep dreaming, living, loving and chatting with this amazing kid! <3

Father's Day

My husband and I have loved each other a long time. He's always made me feel like enough. More than enough. I've loved him more than half my life, but I can tell you, without a doubt, when I saw him become a father, I loved him even more. I didn't know it was possible. I thought I already loved him as much as I could. And the best part, he lets our children know every single day, that they too, are enough. He's the kind of dad you can only dream of for your children. He makes me incredibly proud. Incredibly proud to be his wife. Incredibly proud to raise children with him. Each and every day he's out there teaching, guiding, providing and loving them, and me. And for that, simply saying, "Happy Father's Day", just doesn't seem adequate. There's not enough words. Not big enough words. He's amazing and I'm so blessed to be his wife. And our children are so blessed to have him as a dad. He's taken on fatherhood full force. He's embraced it and loved it since the very moment he laid eyes on our firstborn.

Happy Father's Day to a man who deserves so much more than a pat on the back. Thank you for loving us.

10 Years Later

We had spring family pictures made a couple months ago and they turned out lovely! True treasures! She managed to capture each child's full personality and got a couple shots of the whole family! It was an hour of sweaty hard work! But they are beautiful and totally worth the effort! ;)

There they are! My whole heart in a few pictures! <3

Grace for The Quiet Time

Well, it's been awful quiet here on the blog! ;) I've spent the last several months prayerfully considering if/how to continue here. The kids and I are living it up and loving almost every minute. It's busy. It's chaotic. It's wonderful.

It's been a season of contemplation, reflection and growth for me. And in the silence, God sent grace. That wonderful, amazing grace that always seems to find us when we need it most! 

Several months ago, my oldest son was asking questions, as he often does. And as we talked about who's who and family, he asked the tough questions I knew would come but hadn't adequately prepared an answer for...He was asking all sorts of family questions. It's easy to answer questions about Daddy's family, but mine? Eeek. My extended family is broken. No doubt about it. And as I stumbled all over the  answers, doing the best I could to explain it in a way that preserved his faith in our family unit and didn't seize an ounce of his innocence...because I'm  just not ready for that, I realized something. At that moment, I was plunged into a new season of life. 

I always use the term season because it's what seems appropriate. I could say phase or something like that, but I like to think seasons are moments of growth. Moments of change. Moments that we come out on the other side realizing something new about ourselves. So I say season. 

I realized when my son asked, that I could answer. No, he didn't need the details, but he did need to know that although it was part of my journey, my story, it wasn't my fault and it is no indication as to what kind of mom I am and it was no indication of how his family life might be. 

That night and in the days to follow, in light of questions from a six year old, I found myself letting go. Letting go and really being who I am. Those things don't define me. They certainly helped mold me but they don't define me and it's all beyond my control and not a bit of it was my fault and none of it should I be ashamed of.  

I found myself carefully looking at all areas of my life. I have a husband who I love and he loves me, but it's been in these last few months that our love has grown even stronger, deeper, more real...if that's even possible. I let go of "stuff" and it's made room for more. More love. More happy. More good. I have three beautiful children that I've spent the last 7 years trying to love them with all of me and be in it. In it forever. We enjoy each other to the max. We pretend, we create, we make messes, and we do service projects. We spend afternoons outside playing with imagination only. There are days when they watch more TV than suggested. There are days when we accomplish very little, and these are all days we will always remember. The last few months have been slightly less photographed. Less documented, but maybe even more savored. I realized it's the children that will remember. And they love me and I love them whether it's playing Legos together or making our own playdough! And that's what matters.  

I also spent time looking at me. Me. The inside of me. The me that has floundered her way through her 20's in a sea of failed family relationships, sleepless baby nights, diaper changes and terrible two tantrums. All of which I have deeply loved and treasured and will forever be one of the happiest most fulfilling seasons of my life. But, in reflection, I realized that I spent too much time trying to prove to myself that I was good enough. I spent too much time trying to overcome my perceived failures as a daughter. And I realize now, those weren't my failures. I realized I have nothing to prove. I made the decision years ago to make something of my life, and that something happens to be loving and teaching and raising three little people and being the absolute best wife I can to my husband. And THAT is enough. 

I love my family. My life. It's had "stuff" but most people deal with lots worse. I'm in love with a Heavenly Father and adore spending time with Him. And, more recently, I discovered I love just being. There's room again to just be. And I'm pretty sure it doesn't make me "less than" and also pretty sure God loves me in the silence of being...which believe it or not took a long time to accept! ;) 

 And, this weekend, I was out and about and when I was asked, "where's your dad?", for the first time ever in my life, I could answer. Quickly and easily. I realized leaving that conversation, I have forgiven. Truly forgiven. I thought I had closed that chapter many years ago, but now. Now I know, I have really let go. And letting go made room for so much more! There's so much more to let go of, but my goodness what an amazing start! ;) 

I guess, I wrote all this to say, don't put God in a box. He's bigger than life's "stuff". Don't overcompensate for circumstances and don't let them define you. He's so much bigger and offers a grace that finds us right where we are. He loves us. He loved us enough to create us. He gave us a purpose in the chaos. And he gave us the freedom to be us. Life is full of all sorts of challenges and unexpected things. But there's never a shortage of grace. Grace towards us and grace we must extend. So wherever you find yourself. Whatever the circumstances may be, God is there. Loving and lending grace. Accept it and share it.

So take time. Take time to talk to God. Invite Him in and ask yourself the hard questions. Face the past. And the present. Let Him have it and run to the future. He has amazing things for us. And I'm so thankful for his love and grace during every season of life. Every single season, He's there. And when the season passes, our relationship with Him is more. It's bigger. It's so full of grace and it's overwhelming.