Grace for The Quiet Time

Well, it's been awful quiet here on the blog! ;) I've spent the last several months prayerfully considering if/how to continue here. The kids and I are living it up and loving almost every minute. It's busy. It's chaotic. It's wonderful.

It's been a season of contemplation, reflection and growth for me. And in the silence, God sent grace. That wonderful, amazing grace that always seems to find us when we need it most! 

Several months ago, my oldest son was asking questions, as he often does. And as we talked about who's who and family, he asked the tough questions I knew would come but hadn't adequately prepared an answer for...He was asking all sorts of family questions. It's easy to answer questions about Daddy's family, but mine? Eeek. My extended family is broken. No doubt about it. And as I stumbled all over the  answers, doing the best I could to explain it in a way that preserved his faith in our family unit and didn't seize an ounce of his innocence...because I'm  just not ready for that, I realized something. At that moment, I was plunged into a new season of life. 

I always use the term season because it's what seems appropriate. I could say phase or something like that, but I like to think seasons are moments of growth. Moments of change. Moments that we come out on the other side realizing something new about ourselves. So I say season. 

I realized when my son asked, that I could answer. No, he didn't need the details, but he did need to know that although it was part of my journey, my story, it wasn't my fault and it is no indication as to what kind of mom I am and it was no indication of how his family life might be. 

That night and in the days to follow, in light of questions from a six year old, I found myself letting go. Letting go and really being who I am. Those things don't define me. They certainly helped mold me but they don't define me and it's all beyond my control and not a bit of it was my fault and none of it should I be ashamed of.  

I found myself carefully looking at all areas of my life. I have a husband who I love and he loves me, but it's been in these last few months that our love has grown even stronger, deeper, more real...if that's even possible. I let go of "stuff" and it's made room for more. More love. More happy. More good. I have three beautiful children that I've spent the last 7 years trying to love them with all of me and be in it. In it forever. We enjoy each other to the max. We pretend, we create, we make messes, and we do service projects. We spend afternoons outside playing with imagination only. There are days when they watch more TV than suggested. There are days when we accomplish very little, and these are all days we will always remember. The last few months have been slightly less photographed. Less documented, but maybe even more savored. I realized it's the children that will remember. And they love me and I love them whether it's playing Legos together or making our own playdough! And that's what matters.  

I also spent time looking at me. Me. The inside of me. The me that has floundered her way through her 20's in a sea of failed family relationships, sleepless baby nights, diaper changes and terrible two tantrums. All of which I have deeply loved and treasured and will forever be one of the happiest most fulfilling seasons of my life. But, in reflection, I realized that I spent too much time trying to prove to myself that I was good enough. I spent too much time trying to overcome my perceived failures as a daughter. And I realize now, those weren't my failures. I realized I have nothing to prove. I made the decision years ago to make something of my life, and that something happens to be loving and teaching and raising three little people and being the absolute best wife I can to my husband. And THAT is enough. 

I love my family. My life. It's had "stuff" but most people deal with lots worse. I'm in love with a Heavenly Father and adore spending time with Him. And, more recently, I discovered I love just being. There's room again to just be. And I'm pretty sure it doesn't make me "less than" and also pretty sure God loves me in the silence of being...which believe it or not took a long time to accept! ;) 

 And, this weekend, I was out and about and when I was asked, "where's your dad?", for the first time ever in my life, I could answer. Quickly and easily. I realized leaving that conversation, I have forgiven. Truly forgiven. I thought I had closed that chapter many years ago, but now. Now I know, I have really let go. And letting go made room for so much more! There's so much more to let go of, but my goodness what an amazing start! ;) 

I guess, I wrote all this to say, don't put God in a box. He's bigger than life's "stuff". Don't overcompensate for circumstances and don't let them define you. He's so much bigger and offers a grace that finds us right where we are. He loves us. He loved us enough to create us. He gave us a purpose in the chaos. And he gave us the freedom to be us. Life is full of all sorts of challenges and unexpected things. But there's never a shortage of grace. Grace towards us and grace we must extend. So wherever you find yourself. Whatever the circumstances may be, God is there. Loving and lending grace. Accept it and share it.

So take time. Take time to talk to God. Invite Him in and ask yourself the hard questions. Face the past. And the present. Let Him have it and run to the future. He has amazing things for us. And I'm so thankful for his love and grace during every season of life. Every single season, He's there. And when the season passes, our relationship with Him is more. It's bigger. It's so full of grace and it's overwhelming.