Lean into Grace

I've been down and out and find way too often that I'm beating myself up. Ever notice you really can be your own worst critic?? Well, I find that to be quite true here lately. I feel out of sorts...spiritually, physically, and emotionally. I really hate that I've put back on weight, I don't like the lack of "God time" I have these days, relationships that used to be easy, feel awkward and strained, and I'm just kind of floundering. I spent my 30th year making health and fitness a priority and that journey restored many areas of my life...spiritually, physically and emotionally. I was really able to prove a lot to myself. Then, last year we grew a baby, moved into a new house and spent most of the time trying to keep up. It was an amazing time, but crazy at times! And now, here we are. I'm a little discouraged because so much feels out of sorts. I really was in a place I loved, if not the best I've every been and now I feel far from it. Everything hurts, I can't do physically half of what I was doing a year ago and so much just feels off center! Ha!

Often I find myself trying to remind me of what my body has done. Yes, it looks and feels different than it did a year ago, but really! I've grown four tiny people from scratch! Inside me! And then went through the process of birthing them! It's truly amazing. I couldn't be more grateful for what my body has done, with God's help. Yet, there are times when the bad vibes still creep in and somewhat taunt me. When I see my reflection, I get upset. Mad that I have to start all over, mad that I can't do what I could a year ago. Just mad, discouraged and defeated. In the face of that, I'm trying my best to dig reeeallllly deep and find some grace. I was reminded by my beautiful life long friend that grace is necessary right now, as always but definitely now! Grace because I'm still sort of in a recovery phase. (and call me crazy but recovery after having girls seems like a longer process than when I had my boys...). Grace because I'm in the middle of a very demanding time of parenting. Grace because I'm just now in the last week starting to sleep more after a year of not nearly enough! Grace because no matter how many times we have to start over or we fall, God's there, stretching out His mighty hand and offering us more grace that we every thought possible! My spiritual life, sadly, has taken a hit over the last few months, too. All of this I know will improve and with time I will get back to where I was.

And for now, while this process is in progress, I'm going to start focusing on grace. Grace from myself for myself and focusing on the grace so graciously given to me by God. He doesn't care what we look like or how often we fall, only that we try. He's so forgiving when I've failed to put Him on top. And thankfully, now that things are beginning to get "normal" again, I can begin the process of re-prioritizing and rebuilding. And I think, with God's amazing grace, I may just come out even better than I was a year ago. I will physically and spiritually restore, relationships will work themselves out and things will slowly come back together! And as my husband (a man who has so much more grace and encouragement for me than I deserve!) reminds me daily....enjoy the journey, learn from the process and appreciate the progress...small and big! And that! That is what I'm hoping for as I rebuild...joy, appreciation, grace and progress! I'm gonna try my best to get there with patience....and a whole lot of grace. Lean into God's grace with me, it's there in abundance, we need only to accept.