Savor It

It's the middle of the night, the start of another week...it's the beginning of my last week ever pregnant...we are expecting our very last baby this week...LAST. It's comforting, it's closure, yet it's an end. It's the turning of a page. And whereas that has to happen as some point and we are both so content with the decision and feel our family is now complete, I want to savor it. I want to remember what this was like forever. I want to remember because I have cherished this season. I want to remember it because for the last 8 years, my life and body have changed so much and been so amazing. I want to remember it so when my daughter or future daughter in laws experience it, I can be there, fully present and involved. I want to remember it, because it is by far my greatest calling in this life to date...being a mother.  

I won't pretend the last 2 weeks haven't been a struggle. The end always seems to be. As much as I'd love to claim I'm one of those woman who gracefully wait and without a negative word LOVE every minute of being pregnant, I can't. I've struggled to be fully present, due to exhaustion and just plain discomfort. I can't complain at all about this pregnancy, this has been such a pleasant and uncomplicated 40 weeks and for that I am so grateful. I have tried to live and savor each moment, because losing our last little one has shined a light on how fleeting those moments can be, and because we know this is the last time we will assist God in this miracle of life. It's all worth being savored and cherished and remembered. The uncertainty yet flood of love in the first few months, the tiny flutters and growing belly and bursts of energy in the middle, and the sweet kicks, rolls and giant belly of the last few. I won't pretend that the overwhelming amount of comments on my size etc don't eventually wear me down emotionally (clearly not meant to be harmful or rude but it just gets tiresome 😑) I won't pretend I haven't done my share of breaking down and feeling bad. I won't pretend that I haven't missed having immediate family close by to walk through this last pregnancy with. I have. But with lack of sleep and hormones, that too, is part of the season. And I guess I'll savor that also! 😉

I find myself giddy excited, realizing that this time next week, our family will be complete. A tiny baby boy or girl will have safely arrived earth side, perfectly created, knit together, and ready to be loved on. I know, from previous children, that this time next week I will be gazing into the eyes of a sweet child that I honestly can't remember my life before, like they were always there, like they were meant to be and whichever, boy or girl, they will perfectly fit, right here, with us. And I can not wait! 

But in these last few days of waiting, when exhaustion has set in and anxiety is high, I'm gonna do my very very best to soak it up. Each long night. Each big kid as they get ready to embark on a new journey themselves. Grady will move up to being not just "baby bear" but a big brother! He will finally get to see what this anticipated change is all about. Ada will finally get to hold this tiny sweet baby that she has spent everyday for the last 9 months talking to. Every single day, this baby gets a hug and kiss and sweet "did you sleep good baby? I can't wait to meet you baby." From his/her big sister. This girl is so in love and hasn't even laid eyes on baby yet! And that day has finally almost arrived and I can't wait for her to experience and make memories with this little one. And Grayson, our oldest boy. He's got the big brother thing figured out, but this time is a little different. He's older and more aware of what's happening. The last time we had a baby he was Grady's age so this is definitely a different experience for him. He's very into what's changing and asks lots of questions and I look forward to the questions being answered for him.  I pray that I can put the tired and uncomfortable feelings and attitude aside and let each moment of this week with them sink deep into my heart and memories...preparing them and loving them through this season as well. 

So, here we go, right into the last week as a family of 5. The week we have all looked so forward to. It's finally here! It's gonna be so different, from our big kids, because it's our last. Different in the way of local family support and involvement, which is slightly scary and tiny bit nerve wracking/sad at times, but I think the last couple years have prepared chris and I for this. We have grown so incredibly close and have come to make a strong, amazing team, and we look forward to what's in store and plan to savor each and every small and big moment of the upcoming weeks, months, and years with our little family! ❤️ My greatest treasure.